It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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