I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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