she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
