She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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