i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
