mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
