Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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