Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
he thought i was a dude.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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