Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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