Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
