Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
