I got chris browned last night
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
