I looked at my own cervix.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
