You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
