covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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