i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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