Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
