I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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