R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
