If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize