so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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