He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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