she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
