You're a womanizer and a bitch.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
