I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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