...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Is Oprah even human
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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