my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
