Please, let me fuck your mom
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
not ubering you a puppy
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
