Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
