I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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