On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
