I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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