college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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