she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
