I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
