i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
