Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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