I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
