we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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