i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
