my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
