Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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