I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Acid is not a monday night drug
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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