She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
