the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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