I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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