all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
