i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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