hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
