I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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