I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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