chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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