Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
