Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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