just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
