having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
