I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Randomize
