You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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