I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
