i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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