dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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