yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
