I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize