He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
