i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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